I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
