you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
stop calling my apartment porn island.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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