the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize