I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize