We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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