You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
