You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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