so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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