Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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