my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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