every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
