Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
why is half of my head shaved?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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