Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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