I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
