Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
