i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
