you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
