I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
