had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
