there's paper in my vomit.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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