I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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