my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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