Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
