Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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