it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
