i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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