I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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