you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
