I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
