You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
