who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
