Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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