I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
