there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
