tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
