Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
