this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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