How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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