Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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