we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Every concussion has its silver lining
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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