I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
