After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm both gender and math confused
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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