she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
