Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How's work?
Spinning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
