that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
