i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
