For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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