yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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