70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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