The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
