My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
