Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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