no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I intend to get homeless drunk
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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