suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
