I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
