I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
