Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize