I hate your face
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
