happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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