mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
