I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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