If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize