Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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