Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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